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1 April 2017 10:31AM
Mark Scherzer

turkanafarms.com

I must admit that I did not vote for Donald Trump for President. I was rather nervous about him during the campaign, given his decidedly unusual temperament, and did not think he was at all suited to holding the most powerful position in America, if not the world. And I was quite convinced by some of Mark’s daily rants attacking Trump.

But, after seeing Trump’s finesse at managing things from the White House, the speed with which he has brought his staff together, and the razor sharp efficiency that is being shown in getting his agenda underway, I have completely changed my mind. I guess I was to a degree moved to do so by Hillary Clinton’s generous remark in her concession speech: “We owe him an open mind and a chance to lead.” And, as she hoped, he appears to be managing things very well–so efficiently, in fact, that, incredibly, he is able to have a vacation every weekend at Mar-a-Largo. Taking even more time off than George Bush managed to have at his Midland ranch. Good for him! It’s a hard job being President, and our president deserves all the rest and golfing he can get.

Now after seeing him in action I am embarrassed at not having voted for him. I don’t know what I was thinking back in November. I am so gratified to see that in a little over a month working at most only five days a week Trump seems to have worked rings around the very deliberative Barak Obama, a president I once deeply admired despite his foreign birth place. And, dare I say such a politically incorrect thing? His color.

So well is our new president doing that I seriously expect that it will be his face, the face of Donald Trump, not Ronald Reagan’s, that will next be added to that memorable tribute to great presidents, Mount Rushmore. I not only think he should be up there with the greats but that he should be represented in full color unlike the monochrome renditions of the other amazing, really amazing presidents that have gone before him: George Washington Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt. Only time will tell, but I have no doubt that Donald Trump will one day be up there bigly… immortalized in stone–hopefully a highly colored polychrome version.

So impressed have I been with the way President Trump has been running our government (or should I say “his government”?) that I have decided to use it as a model for Turkana Farms. I think it only fitting that the microcosm should mirror the macrocosm.

First, there is, of course, our unfortunate farm name, “Turkana Farms”. Henceforth we will officially (and I do this with a stroke of my pen as I speak) be known as “Americana Farms.” A really good change! Really good! I Iike it…You are going to love it!

Of course you all remember that old Shakespearean question “What’s in a name?”. Well I think there’s a lot. And Mark does too. We feel so much more comfortable, so much more relaxed, so much more at home, so much more American having gotten rid of a name which, unfortunately has “Turk” (hence Muslim) in it. Bad… really bad… bad…! “Americana Farms” good…really…really good! “Turkana Farms” bad!

We apologize to you our customers for having made this grievous mistake and subjecting you for over sixteen years to this unpatriotic, almost un-digestible, name. We now feel we have made our farm feel great again… really great… yes folks…really great! Americana Farms first! Americana Farms first! Americana Farms first!

We are not only changing our farm name but also a number of our animal breeds. As much as we love our Karakul sheep, love those Karakul sheep…yes we do…we do… we have decided, given their unfortunate origins in Turkmenistan, that they must go. Yes… we are getting them out… out of here…and they are not coming back! We are no longer having our very valued, and very American customers eating lamb with the taint of Muslimism. Bad…bad…bad. So we are shifting to that grand old British breed, Herdwicks, and will from now on be producing lamb that originated in an ancient Christian country, and that goes so well with mint sauce.

We are also changing our selection of heritage turkeys. In the past, you will remember, we have raised Bourbon Reds, Narragansetts, White Hollands, and Spanish Blacks. Blacks! How did they get in here? Well, obviously those Spanish Blacks have to go, and they will not be coming back! No, not coming back! Ever! Instead we plan to double the number of White Hollands… love those whites… I do love those whites, and, of course we’ll keep those amazing breeds with the old time American names, Bourbon Reds and Narragansetts. And given the way things are going these days, we are also considering finding a substitute for Pekin ducks.

Following our President’s really outstanding lead…really outstanding…the best… we are also changing our organic, sustainable, humane farm management model to what we like to think of as an “alternative farm management model”. Mark and I now believe, following Trump’s truly amazing lead… really amazing… that we have been wasteful…oh so wasteful.. .terribly wasteful… bad! And worse… over budget…yes, over budget, in providing fresh water daily to our livestock and are now convinced that our critters can get by perfectly fine with a once a week water replacement. And that cleaning their waterers once a season will be more than adequate.

Making up for this amazing cost cutting reduction in livestock care, which will reduce our Americana farms budget deficit, we will begin giving daily doses of antibiotics to keep our livestock healthy and putting on weight, yes, putting on more weight, which we feel is the American way…yes…America first!… America first!

Further, we are from now on going to treat our livestock to GMO rather than organic grain, thus supporting that great, innovative American farm institution Monsanto. So American… so American! And getting our farm in lock step with that amazing… really amazing agribusiness model which we now realize is the true American way… the American… really American way of raising food, we have pledged that we at Americana Farms will use as our new mantra “All decisions here governed by the bottom line, the whole bottom line, nothing but the bottom line” rather than as we have striven to do in the bad old past–favoring “deliciousness”, “healthfulness”, and “humaneness”… really silly.. really sad… those now outdated values of olden times. And, folks, they are not coming back. And…you are going to love this. Really love this! We are Americanizing the vegetable garden too. No more hot chilies..bad stuff..bad stuff. And no… definitely no Jalepeno peppers either…really bad…really bad. We’re getting rid of those Mexican vegetables for once and for all. And they are not coming back!

Taking a leaf out of the President’s amazing book, Mark and I are also modifying our participation in farm life. Whereas we have felt it was important to always have at least one of us on duty at the farm Mark and I will in future only be at the farm Monday through Friday spending our wee​k​​ end off times living it up in Manhattan, New Orleans, Las Vegas, and other hot spots. Great times! Great times! We’ll tank up our livestock with water and grain on Friday afternoon, and hope for the best for them until our return on Monday morning. Not to worry, folks …they will be fine… really fine… just fine… no problem. They are… just… animals.

And one final change at Americana Farms…this will be our last Friday Green-E-Market farm bulletin. Yes, that’s right folks the last one. Instead we will, in homage to our new role model, be tweeting you early mornings… and at night… whenever we feel like it. You will just have to go to our Americana Farms twitter feed to keep up with us. A really fun way to keep up with all the great and wonderful… really wonderful…amazing happenings at Americana Farms. Believe me…yes believe me…folks…it ‘s going to be fun!

And to get the ball rolling here is Americana Farms first ever tweet: April Fool all of you out there! April Fool!

P.S. Anyone who would really believe that I would ever vote for someone as ignorant, ill prepared, impulsive, self-centered, bigoted, jingoistic, and disturbed as Donald Trump, has to be…you must admit…a bit of a fool.

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